September is the season of change
September always hits a little bit different
Maybe it's the crisp air in the morning, the slightly darker evenings, the sky slightly cloudier or just the fact that school is around the corner - the end of summer and the beginning of September always leaves me feeling nostalgic for a time gone by.
I have countless memories of having the "last day of camp", the "last hang in the pool", the "last night out skateboarding around the neighbourhood", or the "last all-nighter because next week you have a bedtime again". Sitting outside, looking at the sky tonight, all I could think about were these happy memories and the emotions that come with them.
Where I'm at
This September is a little different for me. There are some nice things and some sad things, and the nostalgia is hitting deeper than ever this year. In the span of a week, I've gone from a full-time student to completely free from school and absolutely nailing all my classes and exams after the most mentally taxing semester of my life. I'm also saying goodbye to one of my best friends and his wife (and even older friend of mine), who are moving halfway across the world to go on the most wonderful and exciting journey of their lives for the next three years. Something they've been waiting to do for almost half a decade now. I also met up with my ex of 4.5 years for coffee and for her to hand back a box of my university notes because she's moving out of our old place and in with her new partner. I'm also going from student, back into the workforce for a co-op term, and rejoining the company that gave me my start in the tech world. I've also gone on two dates for the first time in about 9 months, trying to get back into that world and see what there is out there for me on that front. Suffice to say, it's been a week of emotional highs and lows that has led to an absolute crash on my end.
I'm not really even sure why I'm writing this, or who I'm writing to. I think it's just a bit of catharsis on my part. It feels good to get some of this stuff out of my head and out into the void. It's been an absolutely insane week in my head. On one hand, I feel like I'm mourning a relationship that has been over for a year and a half, and something that I am well and truly over - and on the other hand, I'm excited to get out into the world and meet my next potential partner. On one hand, I'm so incredibly excited for my friend. This has been his dream since he was in high school, and I'm so beyond proud to watch him be able to live out his dream and have his amazing wife by his side, and on the other hand, I'm going to absolutely miss the hell out of those guys. My OGs. My ride or dies. Probably the best man at my wedding (at least in the wedding party for sure). And it's just a mix of absolute happiness to see them embark on this journey together and existential loss to know that they aren't just a quick drive down the road anymore.
What now
This September is feeling a little different than most (I know it's not September yet, please indulge me). I guess that's maybe not true. Maybe this is always what the end of summer brings? Changing scenery, new classmates, new activities, the cold, the dark, the unfamiliar. This one is definitely feeling a little weird to me - some major life upheavals are happening, to be fair. And through all the mixed emotions, the highs and lows, the ups and downs, I'm coming away with one feeling. I'm grateful. If you had told me this is where I'd be two years ago today, I would have said you're absolutely out of your goddamn mind. But here I am. Embracing the suck. New job (for 8 months at least), the most technical I've ever been, honestly, the whole world at my fingertips and the time and energy to get some real shit done. I can't wait. I've been feeling kind of sad lately, and that doesn't usually happen to me. I've been trying to figure out how to get out of this rut the whole week. I hate this feeling. But I also need to realize what this feeling is. I think I'm sad because there are some things that I've loved that are changing. And honestly, I'm grateful that I had the privilege to love these things, these people, so deeply. I think there's really something sweet in that grief. And I think that's what this is. A sense of grief. Feels the same as the end of a relationship. Feels eerily similar to when my Dad passed away. But in that grief, I'm grateful that I was able to experience the highs that came along with that love, and I'm thankful that while not gone forever, things are just changing. Maybe for the better, maybe for the worse. We're not gonna know until we have a bit of distance from them.
I think I just want to end with this. To wrap it up, I've been sad lately. Unmotivated. Tired. In my own head. I'm sure everyone can relate to that feeling. Not really knowing what's wrong. Feeling almost stuck or in a fog. That's been me lately. And honestly, it took me an entire week of going through emotional thing after emotional thing to figure out that I was just grieving some things. I was sad because sad things were happening. But I'm choosing to look at the happy things. Like the title says, September is the season of change. I'm taking the new beginnings that these next few weeks are about to bring as a blessing. A sort of system reset. While I'm still going to miss my friend, maybe still be a bit sad that my ex is moving out of our old place, and any of the other things going on, I'm taking it as a way to reflect on the love I once felt for those people or the situation. I'm going to take those feelings and apply them to my work, my social life, my own learning on the side, my activities, my dating life, and I think I'm going to be alright in the end. Lots of things are changing for me this September, and I'm grateful to be feeling something for a change.